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The more I question social norms that we generally take for granted, the more difficult I find it is to function normally. Even if all I do is notice a social norm that I can't make sense of, I suddenly can't be normal about that...it feels awkward.
Every time I realize that the only reason I'm doing something is because countless people did it before me, it makes me stumble in my tracks. Why *should* I strive for normalcy?
Perhaps the biggest moment like this that's on my mind relates to relationships and monogamy. When I began to question monogamy, question why I should feel guilty for having lustful or affectionate feelings for anyone other than my partner...I found myself suddenly faltering about relationships. I wonder if I've ever recovered...and noticing this odd social norm, I've become obsessed in learning more about it, and experiencing something else.
I found myself single for just about a year, as of last spring. In that time, I dated a man who was married and had two girlfriends (all consenting, all knew of each other, most had other boyfriends/husbands). We didn't date long, and parted on less-than-friendly terms, but it had nothing to do with the polyamorous situation he lived in. That experience, even though it was hardly extraordinary and less than happy, has been in the forefront of my mind ever since. They all functioned very happily. That they all had failures in relationships is a given, regardless of their polyamory (I dare you to show me a monogamous person who hasn't had failed relationships, dated people who ended up not being interested, etc). They were all just as happy and comfortable with their lives as any happy monogamous couples I've ever known. To them, polyamory was their own personal norm, despite living in a society that perpetuates monogamy, utterly oblivious to any alternative.
Ever since this experience, I've found myself...resistant to the idea of a monogamous relationship. I don't necessarily think polyamory is the best for me, but the fact is that the only way I have ever known...suddenly isn't the only way I can choose. This makes me unsure, and confused. I don't know what's best for me because I never knew there was something else, and in a way I resent the norm for keeping me so completely ignorant to alternatives. Another alternative I've realized is solitude...not a norm at all in this society. When my mother told me about my aunt, who was in her forties and had never had a serious relationship, my reaction was pity, that she must be so sad, must be so lonely. Why? Because she chose something other than the norm and therefore can't be as happy as anyone else? As I began to question monogamy, I began to question the entirety of relationships.
Slowly, I'm forming a realization...it's still foggy, could change in a heartbeat, but I currently place no value on relationships...I would value them for the stability they provide for any sort of family setting, but I find myself not caring about them for myself--I don't want a family in the foreseeable future. I can get human contact and even sex from my friends, which are the two aspects I find most important in a relationship.
And it's odd, because even in typing that out, I feel myself floundering, wanting to go back and reword, wondering if I'm right...
See? Having my norm shattered by the knowledge of an alternative shakes me to the core, and destroys my convictions, so they may be (often slowly) rebuilt around the new knowledge, adapting to new possibilities so I can make the best decisions for myself. I find it very disconcerting.
Every time I realize that the only reason I'm doing something is because countless people did it before me, it makes me stumble in my tracks. Why *should* I strive for normalcy?
Perhaps the biggest moment like this that's on my mind relates to relationships and monogamy. When I began to question monogamy, question why I should feel guilty for having lustful or affectionate feelings for anyone other than my partner...I found myself suddenly faltering about relationships. I wonder if I've ever recovered...and noticing this odd social norm, I've become obsessed in learning more about it, and experiencing something else.
I found myself single for just about a year, as of last spring. In that time, I dated a man who was married and had two girlfriends (all consenting, all knew of each other, most had other boyfriends/husbands). We didn't date long, and parted on less-than-friendly terms, but it had nothing to do with the polyamorous situation he lived in. That experience, even though it was hardly extraordinary and less than happy, has been in the forefront of my mind ever since. They all functioned very happily. That they all had failures in relationships is a given, regardless of their polyamory (I dare you to show me a monogamous person who hasn't had failed relationships, dated people who ended up not being interested, etc). They were all just as happy and comfortable with their lives as any happy monogamous couples I've ever known. To them, polyamory was their own personal norm, despite living in a society that perpetuates monogamy, utterly oblivious to any alternative.
Ever since this experience, I've found myself...resistant to the idea of a monogamous relationship. I don't necessarily think polyamory is the best for me, but the fact is that the only way I have ever known...suddenly isn't the only way I can choose. This makes me unsure, and confused. I don't know what's best for me because I never knew there was something else, and in a way I resent the norm for keeping me so completely ignorant to alternatives. Another alternative I've realized is solitude...not a norm at all in this society. When my mother told me about my aunt, who was in her forties and had never had a serious relationship, my reaction was pity, that she must be so sad, must be so lonely. Why? Because she chose something other than the norm and therefore can't be as happy as anyone else? As I began to question monogamy, I began to question the entirety of relationships.
Slowly, I'm forming a realization...it's still foggy, could change in a heartbeat, but I currently place no value on relationships...I would value them for the stability they provide for any sort of family setting, but I find myself not caring about them for myself--I don't want a family in the foreseeable future. I can get human contact and even sex from my friends, which are the two aspects I find most important in a relationship.
And it's odd, because even in typing that out, I feel myself floundering, wanting to go back and reword, wondering if I'm right...
See? Having my norm shattered by the knowledge of an alternative shakes me to the core, and destroys my convictions, so they may be (often slowly) rebuilt around the new knowledge, adapting to new possibilities so I can make the best decisions for myself. I find it very disconcerting.
